I'll be frank: I'm not here to promote sympathy nor express anger. I'm here in attempt to find some type of comfort in a healthy, progressive way. If you know me, you know that this has been a year of significant loss. A few family members and a best friend passed away, a few significant relationships down the drain, and an all around empty heart. I'm responsible for most of it, but not all. In my experience, I find that comparing one's hardships to another isn't fair. We are all human, and experience our highs/lows differently....no matter what the personal spectrum.
In this time I have learned a few, hard-hitting details about myself:
- I have the ability to hurt people
- I'm not as rational as I think
- I take people for granted
- My life is unpredictable
I did hurt people. I surprised myself as to how bad. I morphed into this being that behaves in ways that I despise. I had to keep reminding myself that I'm human and that I make mistakes, but it wasn't enough. I began to really dig into myself and I realized: I have no idea who the fuck I am.
If you asked me a year ago, I did not think I would be where I am today: Back in Chicago, single, and lost. At this point, I thought I would be married and exploring the options of acquiring a child while living somewhere in the Midwest. It's quite an adjustment to have your 2, 5, 10 year goals further than you anticipated. I'm no longer planning a future with someone, but figuring out how to get back to myself.
In the interest of being transparent: I did that thing where I favored my career over my relationship. Pretty normal dilemma with promises of support on both ends, but ultimately resorting to miscommunication and resentment. I'd like to think that we both indulged in behavior that is not part of our normal character, but I can't confidently say that when I believe human beings are constantly changing. All I can do is continue to work on what I believe makes me a better person. If you pay attention, all life's experiences teach you a little something about yourself. And that is what I have decided to do...to start listening.
Jam of the day (JOTD): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnRLPaYXvoU